Naked People and Peeing on the Louvre

So sorry to be away so long, but overall my weirdness quota in Europe has been pretty low. I expected more strangeness quite honestly, though I have seen some of the freakiest shit of my young life here in Europe – but those stories are not for mass consumption (or the squeamish). But here’s the latest installment of weird for your reading pleasure.

I’m out in a bar and I start talking to some dude who was willing to speak English with me. Some folks simply turn away when the English starts – but I suspect it’s because they don’t really speak English. But I digress…

So I’m talking with this dude in a bar and we’re actually having a good conversation even though I don’t really understand half of what he’s saying and I don’t think he understands me all that well either (I find conversations with strangers are much more enjoyable when I don't really know what they're about).

Anyhow, about half way through the night he invites me to go to this other bar and I’m like, “OK, what the fuck else am I going to do?” So we head out of the bar and to the next bar – which turns out to be this little place with no windows about 15 minutes away. Now when I see a bar with no windows I immediately start to get worried. I mean, I’ve seen some weird shit in my day and it’s always been in places without windows. So I’m already expecting some freaky deeky when we pull up.

As we’re getting ready to go in he says, “Oh I forget to mention that this is a naked bar.” And I’m like, “A naked bar? What does that mean? There are strippers or something?” And I’m instantly a little excited as I do like me a good strip show – even though no one seems to work the pole anymore. Seriously, some places don't even have poles anymore - what the fuck is with that? Pole dancing seems to be a dying art form, but again I digress…

So I’m like, “Naked bar? Qu’est-ce que c’est ca?” Then he says, “No not strippers. Everyone in the bar is naked. You have to check all your clothes at the door and be naked in the bar.” And I thought to myself, “Oh so that’s why there are no windows – that makes sense.” Now I’m a little slow on the uptake sometimes, so it didn’t really dawn on me that I had to be naked as well. So we head in and when the guy at the door hands me a bag – a clear trash bag at that – for me to put my clothes in, it finally registers.

So, at this point I’m like, “Fuck it. It’s weird but I’ve done plenty of weird shit before.” So, as I’m stripping off my kit (except for my shoes) I say, “Usually you have to buy me dinner before you get to see me naked.” Which is totally a lie as I’m kind of a slut – but I thought it was funny (and so did he).

After I get all naked, I then go into the bar where there are about 30 naked dudes of all shapes and, ummm, sizes. It was surreal and normal at the same time. The guy buys me a drink and I’m thinking that I’m going to start seeing some really freaky shit – like a group orgy on the bar or mass fisting or some really freaky shit I hadn’t even thought of yet.

But we just stood there talking and I started thinking, “OK now what? When does the madness ensue?” He must see this on my face because he says, “It’s just like any other bar – you drink and talk – just here you do it naked.” Now, it's not that I didn't like the scenery (or some of the scenery anyway), but it’s weird just to be hanging out in place while your bits and pieces are there for all to see.

So I ask, “Why would you just hang out naked? If it's not a freakfest then why be naked?” And then he explains that he’s a nudist and that he goes on nudist vacations to places where nudists go and that it’s so much better than wearing clothes, blah, blah, blah…. And I think, “Freak!” So after about half an hour I say that I need to head home. Frenchie offers to take me home but I decline and tell him he should stay. Then I get the hell out of there.

So I don’t really know where I am and am trying to find a metro station when it dawns on me that A) I’m a little drunk and B) I really need to pee. So I see this dark corner of a building that seems secluded and deserted and head on over to take care of some business.

After peeing, I start walking down the street to find the metro and thinking to myself, wow that building I just peed on is huge – it goes on for like miles. Then I see a gate of some sort and look in to realize that – I pissed on the Louvre. It was that back of the Louvre – but the Louvre none-the-less. It was completely unintentional, as I’ve been trying to be good about the public urination here in Europe, but I did, in fact, pee on the Louvre (and that might be my favorite thing I did in Paris – time will tell).

The Bed is Moving?

So we got to Berlin and all and the people in the room are a bunch of Aussies who are generally good people. There's this one guy, Ryan, who's the ultimate party boy - all about the drinks and the ladies. He's not bad looking as well - so he does pretty well for himself. There's also this crazy Russian trick who apparently lives in Australia now. She's not very pleasant and basically doesn't play well with others.

We stayed in last night except, of course, for Ryan who went out clubbing. Apparently Techno is still big in Berlin (and Australia) and he was very excited about going to a Techno club. So he got all loaded up and headed out. Around 3:30 AM I wake up because it feels like my bed is moving - I sleep with earplugs so I hadn't heard anything up to this point. I took my earplugs out to confirm and sure-as-shit Ryan had come back from the bars with a "friend".

Now I won't get into the etiquette of bringing a shag back to dorm room with 5 other people (some of whom are female), but he's young and drunk and these things happen. So they start going at it and from what I could tell, the boy's got some skills - good rythm and varied the pace a bit. But the bed was just making a ton of noise and it pretty much woke up the entire room - including the Crazy Russian (who was not amused).

Ryan and the girl are laughing and talking about moving to the showers because of all the noise they're making when Crazy Russian chick gets up, moves across the room and actually goes over to the scene of the crime and says, "If you're going to fuck, can you go fuck somewhere else?" She then goes on to tell them that they've woken everyone up and that she had been watching them. Ryan then says, "Oh you've been watching us, you should pay me!" He then gets up and starts looking for his towel - completely naked and little "excited." He's walking around the room yelling back and forth with Crazy Russian chick who is calling the naked girl in his bed a slut and a whore. So the naked girl gets up and starts yelling back.

OK, the scene now has Crazy Russian chick, naked Ryan and naked trick all walking around the room yelling at one another - Ryan insisting on payment for the show (which was freakin' hilarious), the Crazy Russian who was pissed, and the naked trick who was not taking to well to be called a slut. Finally Ryan finds his towel and he and the naked chick leave to go have a go in the shower.

Craziness follows me...

Getting Stalked by a Mime

OK, so I'm not having much luck with the whole getting laid thing here in the UK. I'm just getting used to how it works but it's very weird. From what I've worked out thus far, when in a pub if you make any sort of eye contact with someone (anyone really) then they just come and stand by you and don't say antyhing.

It's a strange phenomenon really. Last night I made eye contact with this dude and then two seconds later he's standing right on the side of me. Just standing there. No saying hi, no head nods, not even a wink. Now I used to think that winking was the creepiest thing someone could do in these situations, but I was WRONG. Sidling up to someone who, in this case, accidentally made eye contact with you and just standing there as if you didn't just cross a crowded club to stand on the side of me is truly creepy. It's like getting stalked by a mime.

So just when I'm ready to to discount the phenomenon as a fluke, it happens again. Then again after that - all told it happened about 4 times. Now, don'te get me wrong, I don't need to know someone's name to shag him (see I'm picking up the lingo), but some sort of vocal interaction is usually necessary.

So then I sit down on the side of two, rather lovely, lesbians (the kind the breeders masturbate to) and describe my situation. Apparently this is common practice here in the UK. I could have tried to strike up a conversation with the mimes (which may or may not have been appreciated) or just taken them to the toilet (and I am way to old to be having sex in a toilet).

So instead, the lesbos and I spent the night making fun of this girl who was secretly in love with her fag and doing eveything she could to draw his attention from the boy (they were young) he was with. It was quite the spectacle.

Then I went to take a leak and when I opened the stall door (yes I use stalls - I have enough trouble with urinals, there's no way I'm going to master the "trough" they have here) there's a surpise waiting for me. Some dude is sitting on top of the toilet tank wanking it like there was no tomorrow. It was something to see.

So I need to either get better at picking up a mime or learn how to masturbate in a hostel. I'm not sure which one is easier...

Tranny Smackdown

So I went out last night and had a little too much to drink (it happens). So I'm walking back to the hostel and for some reason find myself talking to some tranny who may or may not have been a hooker. If he/she was - I'm sure he/she doesn't do very well.

So anyway, this part gets a little hazy but apparently I needed directions back to the hostel as I'd gotten a little turned around and it charged me £20 for directions and then tried to walk away. Now, if I weren't completely drunk I would not have paid for directions but I was, so I did. I was not a fan of being robbed by a tranny so I started following shim around telling everyone he/she talked to that shim was a thief and a liar. I must have done this for a good hour and the tranny was getting very angry but I was drunk so I didn't really care.

So after an hour of this, the tranny decided that it was going to play rough and started smacking me and then tried to kick me in the balls. It missed and I grabbed the foot making shim fall to the ground. I then went into it's purse and grabbed my £20 and a little extra for my trouble and ran like hell. I could hear it yelling for like 3 blocks - crazy!

So that's my first weird London story - I'm sure there will be more to come.